Originally Published March 23, 2016 by Fifty Shades of Mommy

Well there I am – 39 weeks pregnant (aka Bitchy). Don’t let my smile fool you. I’m so crabby at this point. This is the most pregnant I have ever been since I went into labor at 38 weeks with Leilani. That pregnancy was terrible towards the end with swelling, a pinched nerve, having to sleep in a recliner, having carpal tunnel, etc. etc. but for some reason I feel like this is worse. And that’s probably because it is happening right now. It gets really annoying towards the end of every pregnancy. And people just make it worse. At this point I just want to curl up in some fluffy jammies with a fluffy pillow and blanket and watch movies all day everyday. If only that was an option!

I’m not stupid, I know a full term pregnancy is 40 weeks, but if you’ve ever been pregnant, for the love of all things holy, tell me you remember how uncomfortable and annoying the last few weeks are! I don’t want to hear your stupid encouraging words of, ‘He’ll come when he’s ready’, ‘Sleep while you can’ (because I DON’T SLEEP AS IT IS), ‘You’re doing great’ blah blah blah <– that’s what I hear from your mouth. Don’t ask me how I’m feeling if you really don’t want to know the truth. And don’t think I’m ungrateful just because I’m not ENJOYING this part of my pregnancy. I’m not rubbing it in your face if you’ve had a preemie in the past or worse, a miscarriage. I’m just expressing how I actually feel. Not everyone loves pregnancy and that is OK. I happen to not be loving this part of the pregnancy. Is that so hard to accept or understand??

I’m uncomfortable, yes, that’s stating the obvious. You want to know why pregnant women waddle? It isn’t because of the weight, it’s because everything hurts. I can’t even climb into my SUV without having sharp pains. Where? Right in the cooter. Because I lifted my leg. Uh huh. And try getting out of bed in the morning with this giant belly and all of the aches and pains. Sciatic nerve pressure? Oh that’s just the baby sitting funny in there. Contraction? Have to pee? Pain from extra blood flow in your parts? Ankles, knees, wrists and fingers hurt? Tingling in your fingers? That’s just every day getting out of bed.

Then there is chasing after the toddler. Picking her up, keeping her from climbing onto things, trying to get her dressed when all she wants to do is eat. It’s super fun! Thank God for my husband who keeps me sane during these moments and helps out SO much. I swear he is the only reason the house looks ok and we are still functioning. I don’t know how single parents do it! I would not be able to do this alone. I know this was our choice to have kiddos this close in age, but this part is hard and I’m sure we will endure much more difficult things before it gets easier.

After getting the kiddo out the door, I have to try to get myself out the door. Like I said, climbing into the car is a struggle these days, hell, walking is a struggle. Going to work and sitting at a desk is tough too. Because sitting all day is almost painful. There is a little head super low that gets squished every time I sit and the baby doesn’t like that too much. Also, getting up to pee all the time gets annoying, so you hold it. And then when you finally get up to pee, it hurts like hell and it takes you a minute to be able to walk after standing up. And people look at you like you’re about to have a baby fall out of you. And then you say you’re fine and waddle slowly towards the bathroom. And then people wonder why you’re crabby. The office is too hot, you have heartburn again, your ankles are swollen, you have to deal with incompetent people – whatever it is, it sucks. And you’re crabby because of it. And because you’re this far into the pregnancy, it’s amplified, so you come across as bitchy. And try staying awake all day without drinking too much caffeine. The struggle is real my friends.

Not to mention that people say the DUMBEST things. When I was pregnant with Leilani I think I was more taken back by some of the comments more than anything so I never knew what to say. This time I’m just snarky and will hold it against you and probably say something back. Some advice: NEVER talk about a woman’s weight, pregnant or not, but especially while pregnant. No pregnant woman wants to hear how small or big they are. Most of those women are judging themselves and don’t need your nasty comments on top of them. Comments like ‘You look like you’re getting pretty close’ when you actually have like 7 weeks to go are so rude to me. And then when you say, ‘Nope I have 7 weeks left’ and you get the look of horror…really??? That’s the best poker face you got? Try harder. If I tell you that the name is a secret, don’t try to get it out of me and stop asking, because I’m not changing my mind. Don’t look at me and determine how much more time I have left. Pretty sure you can’t physically SEE how dilated my cervix is by staring at my body. Saying things like, ‘Still holding that baby in there’ or ‘You’re still here!’ are pretty dumb. Thanks Captain Obvious! I love that you’re so perceptive! Also, don’t ask questions just so you can tell me about how awful your baby is, or how this baby will be nothing like Leilani….one word for you: DUH. Just because you have one good kid and one crappy sleeper doesn’t mean that’s going to necessarily happen to me. And I don’t want to hear your horror labor story either. And last but not least, do not….I repeat, DO NOT refer to my short maternity leave as a vacation. If you think that maternity leave is vacation, you’re dumb and you should not reproduce. Stepping off my soapbox now…sorry about that.

Then after picking up the kiddo it’s on to trying to figure out dinner and staying awake. It’s pretty sad when my 21 month old daughter can stay up later than I can. And this kid is ALWAYS hungry. I swear she can get done eating and she will turn around a half an hour later and sign to us that she wants to eat. And if you’re trying to make the dinner and she’s hungry now…get ready to deal with the monster! And if you miss her bedtime? It’s like she turns into a Gremlin. LOL! Side note: I feel so old when people don’t understand the whole Gremlin thing…so if you don’t know what a Gremlin is, please just Google it and you’ll find out and don’t tell me you had to Google it please.

Most nights I’m going to bed right after Leilani goes to bed. Yes, there are nights that I fall asleep before she does and those nights are nights that again, I’m so grateful for my husband. I’m lucky enough to have a husband that cares and wants me to be as comfortable as possible. So, when he sees my swollen ankles he rubs my feet and legs and then my hands and arms and tucks me in with my giant pillow and never complains that I take up more than half of the bed. I don’t sleep through the night. I wake up to every sound: my daughter trying to find her pacifier, the cat barfing, etc. Then I have to get up and pee, need a drink of water, need to eat some Tums. And then by the time I get back to sleep, I get woken up again by a crazy contraction, that ends up going nowhere because it just stops.

Last night was the worst. I had a doctor appointment and even though my doctor said that once I hit 39 weeks I could get induced, she denied me of that after seeing that I was still only a 1 when she checked how dilated I was and I just don’t think she likes inductions. We all know this baby is trending big – estimated 7lb. 7oz. at 36 weeks. That is still very scary to me. But the most disappointing thing was being told that I could get induced and going in with high hopes that I would be having a baby this week and then told I had to wait until next week and then I would possibly be induced then. I’m not going to lie – I cried when I got to my car and called my husband. It didn’t help that Leilani had slept like crap the night before and I got next to no sleep. I was exhausted…so that makes me even more of an emotional mess.

And then the next day it starts over again. So forgive me for being 39 weeks bitchy. I really am excited to meet this baby and I know I’m about to endure lots of pain and weeks of recovery and then one pain turns into a new pain – especially if nursing goes well BUT just let me be uncomfortable and don’t try to make me feel bad for it. You want to make my day? Take me out to lunch, get a coffee, go for a walk with me, actually care about how I feel when I answer your question and don’t try to tell me that your kid still doesn’t sleep and I’m much better off being fat and pregnant, take my daughter for a play date, I’m sure you can think of something.

Soon, this baby will make his big appearance and I’ll someday forget about all of this, but until then – this is how I feel. Deal with it.

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